Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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