Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
