My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
