if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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