Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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