I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
