you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
