he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
