I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
