Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
