His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
