youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
