Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
