new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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