Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
