I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
