Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize