About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
