He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
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