need another drink. this is the easiest way
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
