Apparently you make a good broom.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
