Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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