At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
