it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
