Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
me + whiskey = a bad person
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
