Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
