Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
