Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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