I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
we made out on top of his cat.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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