So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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