I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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