foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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