I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
