Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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