I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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