You're my little dorito
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I can't put those talents on a resume
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
