i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
