I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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