John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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