Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
