Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
