It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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