I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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