I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
