meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
