Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
