Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
