I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
