if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
