new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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