Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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