fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
