i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
