Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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