my phone needs a breathalizer
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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