wrigley field is MILF paradise
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
