where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
