Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
