this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
