And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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