Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
